The Essential Shower Mix

Photo via Will Hagle/ Mixcloud

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A wise and funky homosapien once said: You gotta wash your ass.

Music has been as essential to showering as water since ancient humans first dumped buckets over their heads while humming in Hieroglyphics, testing out the reverb of Mesopotamian palaces with early forms of horrible karaoke. Babies better tolerate baths if Bert & Ernie sing “Rubber Ducky” to them. Who hasn’t popped on the Get Turnt Playlist in the bathroom while prepping for a big night out, only to come home alone and hop back in to wash away the stale stench of beer and sadness with a nightcap, crying beneath an oceanic downpour of increasingly cold water and Frank Ocean crooning on the I’m Sad & Lonely playlist?

Showering can be a meditative experience, as cleansing of the spirit as it is of the body. It’s the place where ideas occur because in there we’re least distracted. Music adds some stimuli that could interrupt a more contemplative rinse, but in most cases listening to songs while scrubbing yourself only augments your experience. The WikiHow YouTube tutorial for “How to Take A Shower” even suggests: “Try putting on some music before you hop in, so you can jam out or relax while you get clean.”

Showering may seem at times a necessary burden but it is always, unchangeably, a non-compulsory privilege. Twist a knob and hot water falls down, wakes your dreams, washes away your sanity, makes you come clean like Hillary Duff. Stand there and think about nothing. Scrub your armpits. Not every human is able to experience that level of luxury. Many do every day and don’t appreciate it.

The Shower Mix is a luxurious blend of songs to accompany the luxurious lifestyle of a person who deserves to stand under gushing hot water for ten full minutes. It will make you so fresher and so cleaner than any of those old soaps you need to cast-out into the trash.

If you’re looking to improve your daily showers, listen to The Shower Mix. Please read the instructions carefully.

1.) Get naked and press play.

2.) Listen to Lil Wayne’s opening verse on “You Ain’t Know,” from 2006’s collaborative Birdman LP Like Father Like Son. Hopefully your morning has mirrored Dwayne Carter’s. Wake up in the morning, take a piss and wash your hands. Unlike his dirty ass, you also need to—

3.) SHOWER (When you hear this, and the sound of water falling, crank on your own shower head).

4.) You must let the water heat up while you stand outside the shower, enjoying “If You Must.” The Shower Mix’s narrator will instruct you how to test the temperature before stepping in. Take some time to adjust to your new surroundings. You are in the shower, listening to The Shower Mix, getting ready for a great day. When Del says “you gotta wash your ass,” you better be washing your ass.

5.) Soulja Boy & Arab signify the end of the body wash/soap period. They are your bridge to the shampoo section. The Shower Mix spares you their two verses—in which Arab, despite never receiving any recognition for it, outshines Soulja Boy for the first and only time—and merely uses their repetitive hook as a reminder that you do still stink and should wash your ass a little more.

6.) When you hear the silky smooth voice of your favorite Wu-Tang member, begin applying shampoo and essential oils. Don’t forget to condition. Imagine you are the lucky woman on the receiving end of the verse (over RZA’s beat from your favorite Wu album, Wu-Tang Forever): you had a hard day at work, baby. Sit down, relax, while U-God soaks you in his mental, back-rub style.

7.) When “Black Shampoo” ends, you should be shampooed and conditioned. Now is the time to luxuriate. Test that bathroom reverb by singing along with iLoveMakonnen. Set your intention for the day. You’re going to be swimming in the money like you’re swimming in the shower. You’re going to be Covered N Money like you’re Covered N Crusted Shit. Wash that ass one more time.

8.) When Young Thug comes on, that’s your cue to call in your lover and go Psycho on their ass (figuratively, sexually, of course). Make sure they wash their ass first too though (literally), but no need to rewind to the Del track. By the time Gucci Mane’s verse ends you should open that door and show them the way out so you can get some me time.

9.) Wiley’s “Shower Freestyle” will probably scare them away anyways. Regardless, this is your time to really get pumped up. Finish whatever it is you gotta do. Take a piss in there for all I care. When Wiley says “times up,” though, time is up. You’ve been showering for way too long. There’s no hot water left for the people you live with who are actual productive members of society.

10.) Towel off with the smooth stylings of none other than Keb Mo, who will reassure you that whatever you did in there was perfectly valid, and you look beautiful regardless, and you don’t have to shave your legs for him.

11.) Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Tracklist

Lil’ Wayne & Birdman – You Ain’t Know
Psycho Shower Scene
Del The Funky Homosapien – If You Must
Soulja Boy – Girl U Stank
Wu-Tang Clan – Black Shampoo
iLoveMakonnen – Swimming In Money
Future – Covered N Money
Birdman – Money To Blow (A-Trak Remix)
Gucci Mane featuring Young Thug – Rain Shower
Wiley – Shower Freestyle
Keb Mo – Shave Yo Legs