Rihanna is single. Did you hear me? I said Rihanna is single! Per Us Weekly, Rih and Hassan Jameel, her Saudi billionaire boyfriend of three years, have separated. Get out your good cargo shorts, Leonardo DiCaprio. Put on your best newsboy cap! Spit-shine that Oscar! It’s 2020, Rihanna is single, and we’re all shooting our shot!
Here is how I reacted to the news:
Photo: Courtesy of Hunter Harris
Rihanna being single is a perfect opportunity to resurrect a favorite, long-running “joke”: a certain star of Once Upon A Time … in Hollywood is in love with a certain Barbadian mogul. He is not worthy of Rihanna — no mere mortal is — but why not engage in a fun little thought exercise. Rihanna, a heterosexual woman, will move on to someone else. Who will that someone else be? Husbands are a liability, and men are a curse, but who might be next in Rihanna’s rotation?
Leonardo DiCaprio? Not good enough for Rihanna. Schmeonardo SchmiCaprio? I see what you’re doing there and still — not good enough for Rihanna. Deonardo LiCaprio? Stop this madness — still not good enough for Rihanna! Bradley Cooper? Not good enough for Rihanna, but maybe if he puts on that Jackson Maine Bronzer and drops his voice four octaves we can talk. Bradley Cooper’s tethered Jake Gyllenhaal? Not good enough for Rihanna. Michael B. Jordan? Not good enough for Rihanna. Brad Pitt? I mean, I guess that may — wait. I’m hearing reports that he’s also not good enough for Rihanna. Jesse Williams? Not good enough for Rihanna. Robert Pattinson? Not good enough for Rihanna. Channing Tatum? Not good enough for Rihanna. Daniel Kaluuya? Not good enough for Rihanna. Chrises Evans, Hemsworth, Pine, et al? Not good enough for Rihanna. Alans Arkin and Alda? Not good enough for Rihanna. New York Times political reporter Astead W. Herndon? Not good enough for Rihanna. Any man that went to Brown, an Ivy League school known for producing good kissers, according to my colleague E. Alex Jung? Not good enough for Rihanna. Jon Hamm? Not good enough for Rihanna. Henry Cavill? Not good enough for Rihanna. Lakeith Stanfield? Not good enough for Rihanna. The “flirty grip” from Marriage Story? Not good enough for Rihanna. Timothée Chalamet? Not! Good Enough! For! Rihanna! Chadwick Boseman? Not good enough for Rihanna. Manny Jacinto? I … he is good enough for Rihanna but I would prefer him for someone else. (Me.) Stephan James? DM me back. Tom Hardy? Not good enough for Rihanna. Taron Egerton? Not good enough for Rihanna, but good enough for an Oscar nomination! Cousin Greg? Not good enough for Rihanna. A Sprouse? Not good enough for Rihanna. A Safdie? Not good enough for Rihanna. A Wenig? Not good enough for Rihanna! Drake? Don’t even speak that name around me!
Those are all the men in Hollywood I feel like naming right now, but maybe, at a later date, I will return to name some more. The conclusion, however, will remain the same: no man is “good” “enough” for Rihanna. (With the exception of Seth Meyers, who is worthy to day-drink with her.) My friends: Put on your good bra, charge your vibrator, dance around your room to “Sex With Me” — Rihanna is single and, by the transitive property, so are we.