Pete Davidson is right about one thing. After his breakup with Ariana Grande, the world collectively rebounded with Thank U, Next. So, he figures, Grande got her double-album drop and now he gets his Netflix special, Alive From New York. In his set, sandwiched between the Dan Crenshaw controversy and 9/11 jokes, Davidson attempts to rewrite the relationshipâs history from his perspective, like that leaked Stephenie Meyer Twilight spinoff from Edwardâs point of view. Bellaâs side already went platinum, so what else is there to talk about? Inevitably, Pete Davidson found something to say. The Saturday Night Live cast member bounces to everything from her music to her fans to his âbig dick energyâ (or lack thereof). Here are all the cringey things Pete Davidson had to say about Ariana Grande in his Netflix special.
âI did make that guy famous and a household name for no reason. I did what, like, Ariana Grande did for me. I sucked his dick at SNL.â
Transitioning from his Dan Crenshaw material to his relationship drama (we didnât say it was a smooth transition), Pete acknowledges a truth you, me, and all the NBC pages have been trying to block out.
âI wasnât gonna do jokes about this but then my buddy told me ⊠heâs like, âYo, I recently heard that Ariana said she had no idea who you were and that she was just dating you as a distraction.â So, now I just think itâs, like, fair game. She has, you know, her songs and stuff and this is what I have.â
Which one of Peteâs four friends walked up to him with a fresh-off-the-presses August issue of Vogue and dished like that? That is messy. Have to respect it.
âMy career would be over tomorrow. If I spray-painted myself brown and hopped on the cover of Vogue magazine and just started shitting on my ex.â
For the record, many comedians have spray-painted themselves brown for worse reasons and still kept their careers.
âYouâre like, âPete, something had to happen to her, right? There had to be some repercussions.â No, she won Billboardâs Woman of the Year and I got called âbutthole eyesâ by BarstoolSports.comâ
âAgain, I donât want no smoke from the 9-year-olds.â
Arianators, donât take the bait.
âI walked into Starbucks the other day, I was like, âHey man, can I have a medium coffee?â and the guy was like ââŠâ and I was like, âFuck you, Iâm going to Dunkinâ Donuts.ââ
Wow, this is so sad. Alexa, play âThank U, Next.â
âThen, that song came out and my friends were like, âBro, I love you. I love you, right? Shit is catchy. Shit is very catchy. Youâre gonna have a rough eight months.ââ
âMy grandpa, he goes, âItâs a slap. Peter, itâs a slap.ââ
To be fair, sheâs very nice to Pete in that song.
âI donât like that she talked all the shit on behalf of my dick. Like, I thought that was really weird âŠ. First of all, letâs just take a step back. Can you imagine if I said that shit? Can you imagine if I was like, âSorry it didnât work out. Nice pussy though!ââ
Pete Davidson, menâs-rights activist, ladies and gentlemen.
âItâs just simply not true. She has little tiny little hands. She has just very little hands. Everythingâs fucking huge to her.â
The king of dig dick energy renounces his title? Itâs Prince Harry all over again.
âShe did that so that every girl that sees my dick for the rest of my life is disappointed.â
Yes ⊠that will be ⊠the sole reason âŠ
âI didnât even get to enjoy my âbig dick summerâ or whatever the fuck it was called.â
Hey, thereâs always next year.